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Marrying Into A Dysfunctional Family Without Losing Your Mind

If you have lost touch with your own passion and pleasure, start with small experiments where you try one novel thing a day. See if you can offer yourself the unconditional love you never had and truly know that your existence is valid on its own; life is about „being,” not „doing.” Even though they are highly turbulent, ironically, your parent with BPD may be terrified of conflicts. When there is even a small conflict between you, they may feel personally attacked and shamed and react either with passive-aggressiveness or a counter-attack. Some people raised by parents with BPD compensate by becoming exceptionally compassionate, mature, and competent.

So you need to focus on things that are under your control, like how you can respond, your behavior, and your choices. It is normal to look for your parent’s approval, but you can never please a toxic parent. Most importantly, it is your life, and you should make your own decisions, so choose what makes you feel good. If you spend your life in order to please others, you will never feel fulfilled or happy in life. This is a kind of relationship in which one person is controlling but has double standards.

We can not protect them from making bad choices all of the time. We also have to accept that they have the right to believe and do things different than our beliefs and that is normal and good. Parents, if you want to understand how to handle your adult children, then you must take a few considerations. Whether you choose to cut ties or not, the proactive way to stay sane when marrying into a dysfunctional family is to go on with living your lives and nurturing your family. This most probably isn’t the case, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t win them over; it comes with the territory of marrying into a dysfunctional family.

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She probably is full of rage if your apology included the ‘IF’ word. Basically excuses your behaviour, and doubts her feelings. Helped me and validate my feelings of where I am in my case.

Toxic adult children will never find themselves at fault, at least for the most part. If you’re trying to deal with someone who never takes the blame or tries to make you feel crazy, you may be dealing with an adult child. You see, children often run from responsibilities and they often place blame on other children. Of course, toxic adults cannot retain a normal relationship with another person.

For example, children in dysfunctional families often describe feeling anxious about coming home from school because they dont know what they will find. A dysfunctional family is one that is mired in conflict, chaos, a lack of structure, or indifference so that the child’s physical and emotional needs cannot be met. Factors that can impair a family’s functioning include poor parenting, distressed or abusive environments, substance abuse, mental illness, chronic physical illness, and poor communication. Make peace with the fact that some people have viewpoints or priorities that may never match your own. Your adult children, siblings, or parents will do what they feel is right for them, and you can’t control their behavior.

A person who is emotionally volatile has no control over their ever-changing emotions from one extremity of the spectrum to another. Emotional volatility is characterized by being calm one second and becoming enraged or overly sad the next. People jump between emotional highs and lows in a mere matter of seconds. The young person is unable to express his/her preferences and gets entangled in the obscure demands of his/her parents. This creates a massive discordance between their individual ideals, values that are formative in the teenage years, and the values and attitudes of their parents.

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You cannot achieve this ideal relationship with your food overnight. You need to keep in mind that they are your parents; shutting them out completely is not the right thing to do. You can talk to them, let them know how you feel and what are your concerns.

If someone tries to convince you to violate a boundary, say something like „We’ve already discussed this. I’m firm on my decision.” If they continue to push, then it is okay to ignore it. Hang up the phone or end the conversation when they start to push against a boundary. Passive aggression is a favorite tactic of toxic people. If your family member becomes passive-aggressive with you, recognize it for the manipulative tactic it is, and don’t let it get under your skin. It is best not to respond at all, and then vent about it later to a trusted friend or therapist.

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Similarly, they experience immense anxiety and guilt when they fail to meet certain expectations. Secure attachment comes from having reliable, consistent parenting. Although Ainsworth didn’t discuss this style in her original research, Main & Solomon later introduced the disorganized attachment style, which refers to fluctuating responses to distress.

Conversely, about 40 percent of adults ages 22 to 24 living away from family received rent help from their parents in 2017. Of the adults who moved home because of the pandemic, one in five reported that they simply wanted to be closer to their family. As well as helping to improve how well you read and use nonverbal communication, building emotional intelligence can help strengthen a romantic relationship. By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’ll be better able to express your needs and feelings to your partner, as well as understand how your partner is really feeling, too. Having a secure attachment style doesn’t mean you’re perfect or you don’t experience relationship problems.

Physical or sexual abuse, whether physical injury or violation. Traumatic experiences, such as a serious illness or accident which interrupted the attachment process. The more someone tries to get close to you or the needier a partner becomes, the more you tend to withdraw. You’re similarly happy for your partner to rely on you for support. Professional online therapy and tools based on proven CBT strategies.